If you’re one of those unshowered idealistic Starbucks hippies turned environmental activist within a night just because a cute loli raised a straight tree underneath your bushes, or that you suddenly gave a damn about the less fortunate and assume all the cool gadgets can be obtained through friendlier means without subjecting the underclass peasants through rigourous height extensions or a visit to the 14th floor, then prepare your balls (and uterus) for some healthy Neo-Nazi bootstomp session. You mad? How can you not see the potential this rare earth plant by Lynas would mean to our future?
For those of you with no idea what’s this about, You know the drill. In any case, let me start with a completely unsourced backstory I wrote under ten minutes of piecing together all the delicious whiny tears courtesy of the Malaysian cyberspace.
Once upon a time, a company from the blimey land of kangaroos thought “hey, wouldn’t it be awesome if we could shove a rare earth plant in Malaysia? We could create employment opportunities for Malaysians and get nifty tax breaks from the Malaysian government” and thus triggering a tsunami of shitstorm by brave Malaysians whom I’m pretty sure had never bought any rare earth products before especially from that one AZN country well known for human rights abuses. Showing complete care and compassion for that other related tragedy involving radioactive wastes that we don’t know of but for some reason we know of as of now, Malaysians raised multiple questions regarding the proposed rare earth plant, and why LYNAS doesn’t care about Asian people. The radioactive level of butthurt it generated is so strong Malaysian hospitals were overrun by a deadly outbreak of anal tumours, and everyone lived happily ever and after.
Cutting the bullshit short, after giving a long thought to this issue, I’d say, why the hell not?
7 STAGE-BY-STAGE REASONS WHY THE PROPOSED LYNAS RARE EARTH PLANT SHOULD GET THE GREENLIGHT
I’m not talking about that shitty neighbourhood friendly Peter Parker kind of mutation. I’m talking about those that spurts slimy white liquids and sprout dozens of phallic tentacles which would rampage through your nearby all-girls Catholic school (or Islamic school, whichever fetish applies) indiscriminately. Not only will excess radiation cause bizarre creatures of all shapes and sizes to materialize out of nowhere, but the high possibility of triggering reanimation syndrome will also cause everyone’s favourite self-multiplying undead menace that is the zombie to mushroom more rapidly in affected areas with sizeable population count. Once these aggressive creatures began to spill over, massacring the armed forces and eventually reaching the administrative capital, this would lead to…
2. Collapse of Government
What? I thought this is what everyone wanted all this time! Are you not all sick of voting for politicians who promised so much yet gave back none of it once they’ve been sworn into office? This is an opportunity of a lifetime to trigger worthwhile changes in our country! Once the threat of the mutant menace reached an uncontainable scale, leaving the administrative capital holding on to its last leg, the Prime Minister, his family, his cabinet, and all the corrupt higher-ups with strings around our country would have either fled the country or be killed outright by the downfall from unstoppable mutated creatures rampaging through the urban warzone. With the collapse of the government, the absence of authoritarian rule meant…
Without law, without rules, and without anyone telling you what to do, Malaysians have achieved a milestone thought to be impossible a few decades ago: complete freedom! The inexistence of a Big Brother entity yelling your eardrums out for stepping on the wrong tail and keeping a sharp eye on you for even the slightest piss in the bush meant our newfound individual sovereignty would allow us to exercise the rights to carry…
With army camps and police stations getting overrun or abandoned outright, all that epic firepower they left behind is yours for the taking at your own discretion. The times you spent with basement-dwelling, girlfriend deflecting sessions of first person shooters and overdose on FPSRussia videos finally being put to good use. Now we can proudly wear anorak jackets and gasmasks so we could start….
5. Adventure Time!
Now that what we now know as the Capital Wasteland of Kuala Lumpur is rife with anomalies and bandits wanting to chop your kneecaps off for scraps of ammo, baked beans and maybe even your scalp as trophy, we can finally start becoming the trigger-happy Dirty Harry-esque adventurer/anti-social wanderer not the one that the Capital Wasteland needed, but the one it deserved. Start your tomorrow with a Kalashnikov a day, it keeps the badguys at bay! Still, the best part of this post-apocalyptic romp is…
6. Candy (and Booze)!
Ever passed by a 24-hour convenience store and noticed the shelves are always full of chocolates and candy even when our country is faced with severe sugar shortage and excess stocks of brown people flooding cheap rented flats? Now imagine these former icons of our capitalistic past lay derelict but with its contents untampered after its former occupants left in a hurry. You’re free from authoritarian rule, you’re loaded with enough guns and ammo to take down a mutant’s den, but where’s the celebration in that without sweets? Beyond the now nostalgic ‘old time’ pleasure of eating candies, I can also go on about undisturbed booze in their dozens found around the same building to fill in for a Saturday night out in the Capital Wasteland, but lets just say I’m not too keen waking up naked and six rifles poorer the next day after partying all night long with formerly fellow survivors yesterday night. With elections just around the corner in our country, the alternate scenario meant…
7. The end of racial and religious politicization
CONTENT REMOVED BY THE BUTTHURT COUNCIL OF
POLITICALLY PERFECTLY CORRECT VIEWPOINTS
In before srs bsns Malaysians with no sense of humour.